Baby, it’s cold inside!
Yesterday at 8:30 a.m., even though all of the local schools were closed due to dangerous wind chills and the local news stations were advising residents to stay at home and inside, unless heading out was absolutely necessary, I bundled up the girls and took them to the Y. When I dropped Gwennie off at the Y’s child watch, I was chastised by the older [than me] woman who was working there when I observed that there weren’t, at that point, any other kids there. She said, “It’s only one degree outside, far too cold to take children out.” Fair enough, although, as I pointed out, my kids walked about 10 feet from a warm house to a warm car.
Admittedly, there is something more than a little crazy about NEEDING to get the hell out of the house on a day when the frigid temperatures caused the ATM at my bank to freeze. And it made think about why? What is it, exactly, about me that craves momentum, forward motion, nearly all of the time. Even when it goes against good advice or common sense? Even when I’m bone-tired.
I thought back to the words of Anne Lamott in Grace (Eventually). If you haven’t read Anne Lamott, you’re missing a real treat. She’s my favorite spiritual writer because she fully owns being deeply spiritually and personally flawed and constantly struggling (and she reminds me of myself).
Lamott describes a day in church when she just wasn’t feeling it but stayed for the service anyway: “…you have to be somewhere: better here, … than, … home alone, orbiting my own mind. And it’s good to be out where others can see you, so you can’t be your ghastly, spoiled self. If forces you to act slightly more elegantly, and this improves your thoughts, and thereby, the world.”
I thought about the times when I “orbit my own mind”, and in these times, my thoughts and feelings spin and whirl, intersecting and splitting so that I connect events and behaviors that might not be connected, and I become very, very dramatic and unreasonable, at least in my own mind. I misjudge people; I over-judge them, or sometimes, I come to a place where I can accurately judge them, which is often the worst because then I allow someone, usually someone undeserving, to dwell, rent free, in my brain for the day/week/month. In any case, this pattern usually continues until I find someone who loves me to talk me down from this crazy floating place.
When I spend too much time in my own space, I become the “ghastly,” “spoiled” person that Lamott describes. I imagine that my feelings are the top priority–not others, not community, not the greater good, but ME. It’s obscene, really. It’s fortunate that most of the time, I can anticipate and cut short these [insane] tendencies.
There is something about momentum, too, on a day like yesterday. The getting going just to get going that is a thing of beauty in itself. And I’m the better for it. And the thing is, my girls are better for it too. Yesterday morning, and for several weeks, really, my girls have been bickering non-stop about ridiculous things like Lego pieces and Barbie shoes. Their ghastly and spoiled selves are out in full force at home, but in public, my girls are usually the most well-behaved kids in the room.
Yesterday, after days of crying over nothing and everything–complete with four-year-old hitting the floor drama–Gwennie made me a precious Valentine while she was in the Y’s child watch, and the ladies found her “adorable.” Mira made two new friends, a Weasleyish brother and sister who she described as being from “Dorkatania” because they couldn’t play either ping pong or basketball. But nonetheless, she was physically active and socially engaged with peers, and she had a great time.
The real magic is that when we got home, the girls and I were all quite peaceful. We rolled, cut, baked, and decorated lovely heart-shaped cookies to surprise Reg when he got home from work. Mira and I studied second grade science while Gwennie turned the whole house into a pet shop (we have THAT many stuffed animals) We read three chapters of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, multiple Curious George stories, and all in all, we truly enjoyed just being together.
And I’m not sure it would have been possible if we hadn’t gotten up, gone out, and reminded ourselves that we are, in fact, social creatures. That we’re just better people when we interact with others and remember that how we interact with the outside is what strengthens the inside. That it’s good to let go of our inward perceptions and redirect our energies into interacting. We can’t always be whole and reasonable people in the often cockeyed and lopsided spaces of our individual egos.
You’re very wise, Lucy. This “getting out” lesson is one I’m still learning. I worked full time for like a hundred years, so I was always, always “out.” But then I was laid off, and I haven’t found full time work again yet. So now, I’m always always home. And often, alone. It’s not a healthy thing, too much alone time with oneself, so now I AM getting out to spend time with friends or having coffee somewhere or SOMETHING and acknowledging the social animal side of me. I’m also becoming very aware of the part of me that tends to be spoiled and yes, ghastly. What a wonderful and appropriate word for it! And how wonderful, too, that even in late middle age, we can still learn good lessons. Thanks for such a thoughtful and honest post.
Thanks for the compliment, Wren. During these months in NE Ohio, it can be really, really hard to get out of the house. But I’ve been forcing myself to do it, and I think it really helps with my melancholy and dramatic tendencies. Reading Anne Lamott helps a lot too!
What a great post, Lucy. I tend to be a hibernating bear. I can be a real homebody for the same reasons Wren writes above. I started my own business 10 years ago and work from home and it just is *so much easier* to stay put than to get out.
I’m with you on Anne Lamott. Is there a cooler lady anywhere? I just love her to pieces. I wish she’s write another book! I always read her books so slowly because I never want them to end.
Oh man, yes, you have to get out of the house sometimes! I still think it;s funny that in the US schools are closed because of windchills. We had pretty much the same (Monday had a -37 Celsius windchill), and the schools were all open. They play outside at school unless it’s colder than -15 Celsius (and 1 degree F? Is -17.22 Celsius!)
Canada,
My sister Roxie and I were just talking about this. We live in northeast Ohio for eff’s sake, and the local schools should stop freaking out about a little snow and cold. It really was a bit much that the kids had three snow days this week. I think that the real issue is that the school systems are afraid that parents might sue if little Johnny gets frost bite at the bus stop.
BG–I Know. Isn’t Anne Lamott great. When I read her, I feel like I’m having the best conversation with a dear, dear friend.
This post gives me hope that there is going to come a day in the not too distant future when I can take the boys places without feeling bitter and exhausted at the end of the trip. I know exactly what you mean about staying in your own head and creating meaning and intent in communications when none actually existed (well thats what i do anyway). As someone who is fortunate enough to know and love you better than many who read this, I do have to say that Ive never seen you ghastly and spoiled.
A word vomit explosion!!! I’m glad to hear about that
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Good job! …You did it!
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