Girl Talk and the Golden Urine
At her funeral, the priest described her as someone who had a “difficult time” expressing her love and that she had a “tough life.” He said that she often failed or refused to acknowledge the love of her family, that she hated getting old. And then he said that “the only thing golden about the golden years is your urine.”
My thought during this bleak (and let’s face it, a little disturbing) service was how does a life of 80+ years, three children, eleven grandchildren, and seven great-grandchildren end with fewer than 10 people at a service where the priest spoke of urine?
My answer: complete and total focus on the self. In all of the time that I’d know her, I seldom heard Grandma C utter a sentence that didn’t include the words “I” or “me.” And it was never “I want to help you.” It was always that someone was doing something to her or not doing something for her…endless cycles of how she had been wronged or what others weren’t doing right.
She focused almost exclusively on her hardships, as women sometimes do (as our family and cultural examples often instruct as to do) In her 1996 book You Just Don’t Understand, sociolinguist Deborah Tannen points out that men bond with other men through activities and that women bond with other women through “troubles talk.”
It seems that sometimes, we women can lose our sense of balance when it comes to “troubles talk.” We begin to see ourselves as helpless victims (with a capital V) of our issues, our childhood traumas, our badly gone relationships with others. I’m all for processing and counting on girlfriends through difficult times, but how many of these times are truly difficult and how many of these difficulties are imagined or contrived from the darker areas of our minds? Are we maybe paying too much attention to our troubles?
Today, I was working with a friend, Melissa, and she said something that caught my attention. She said, “I lost my three best friends four years ago when I decided to stop badmouthing my husband.” I believe it. When we stop talking about our issues, our troubles, our husbands, sometimes other women don’t know how to deal with us. I know when my best friend Nina went from a somewhat destructive intimate relationship into one in which she was truly valued and happy, it was a little weird. But her newfound sense of calm was palpable and infectious, and I was moved by how, despite her difficult past (not to mention childhood traumas) she was able to fully embrace the peace of her new life.
Nina inspired me to attempt a disengagement from routine “troubles talk.” It was my secret New Year’s Resolution. Now, while I certainly had the need to call a friend after a particularly bad day, for the past two-and-a-half months, I’ve carefully avoiding focusing on and talking about my troubles and concerns. Because to be honest, I’d had it up to here with issues, including my own. I’ve dealt with unavoidable life stress by working out (a lot), reading with my girls, and watching back episodes of LOST. What happened? I’ve spent less time on the phone, I’ve lost 15 pounds, and I’m a little in love with Desmond.
And, sadly, I have had some strange and distressing responses from one or two friends who seem to need me to be, well, unhappy, self-focused, and issue-obsessed. Why? Because they are, and they’re desperately in need of a “change back” to validate themselves. Sorry ladies.
However, above all, what I’ve really noticed is that buds of new relationships between women with whom I share interests and passions, not issues and drama. And I’ve also noticed that in my oldest relationships (with my best friend Nina and my sister-in-law Crse), I’m having a blast. Our conversations are toned with the kind of comradry that comes from years of real love and they’re punctuated with a laughter that is indescribably pure and beautiful.
It’s not easy to give up on drama, and life has seemed a little dull at times over the past couple of months, but I’ve learned to love a more silent phone. The pop-psychologists can keep their self-help books and their self-awarness exercises, and the priests can keep (and really should keep) their insights on urine. For me, the still clear mind that comes from letting go of ego will, I believe, lead me to relationships with other women that are more rich and loving and fun.
Halleluiah, Sistah! Halleluiah and amen to all of this!
First of all, great post. You weaved such a marvelous post that by the end I had forgotten about the urine thing. lol. Why one earth would he have said that? lol.
Secondly, congrats on the 15 lbs. That’s awesome. I am extremely envious.
Lastly, I am *so with you* regarding Trouble Talk. I’ve never been into it. Ever. I get stomach aches because of it. I’ve never heard it called that before and now I have a new way of thinking about it. Good for you for pulling yourself away from that. I just feel I have so much to learn, that to spend my time gabbing about why Joe did what Joe shouldn’t have done last Tuesday feels like such a waste of time. Cuz you know Joe’s gonna do something else that’s not good. And really, who cares about Joe? Joe should get his act together. lol.
Again, great post! Really inspiring.
I second all that, sister, and more! I had no idea that you were embarking on this secret New Year’s resolution, but I can tell you that, to me, you have lately seemed so high-spirited and centered. It’s really a joy to behold!
As someone who has indulged in more than her fair share of trouble talk with you, I do want to thank you for talking me through some times when I felt hope was gone. But maybe it’s a sign of finally growing up when you realize that somehow the world will eventually right itself again as long as you have good friends who love you.
Purely as an aside, I had to laugh out loud at BG’s comment - remember “Joe lies, Joe lies, Joe lies, when he cries!” Our recent exchanges have been so damn funny and refreshing. (Mother. Of. Year.)
I want you to know that I am here always for you if ever you need to share trouble OR joy. But I also am reveling in this seemingly newfound contentment of just … being, Screw the self-help books and the drinkers of the haterade. Let’s just celebrate us.
Much love,
Nina
I’m so touched that within hours of this post, I’ve heard from two of my favorite girls. BG, you know you’re my new favorite blog friend, right? And Nina, well, you’re Nina; you’re my heart.
Here’s to the smart and thoughtful women with whom we share our lives.
Aw sunshine! This is a great reminder of why sometimes it’s good just to get out there and get my ass served to me on a platter at dodgeball. I didn’t realize this was a new year’s resolution either because we always have so much fun together (who else can really appreciate my love for the “soft science” of geography AND keep me company and entertain me while Im stuck in a snow bank in the middle of the freeway?) but dammit good for you sweetie. Like Nina said, I am SO here for you for the troubles talk and am grateful for all the times youve held safe space for me during the troubles. I also love how you can make me laugh at my troubles too! You deserve peace and contentment. You are like the taoist rose, beautiful in what you were, what you are now and in what you will become.
I completely agree with your take on the drama that many women seem to thrive on. Yes, everyone’s spouse can irritate the crap out of them. It’s called marriage, and it isn’t always a walk in the park. I have friends who just want to bitch about their husbands for every little nit-picky thing, and refuse to believe that they have annoying habits, too. I’ve found that for me, venting on my blog gets it out, and lets me move on. It doesn’t involve other people in the throes of “drama”, and the friends who do read my blog can read and choose to comment or not, but that I’m not expecting them to choose sides.
As for other friends who do expect that, I have found that we’ve become more distant, one in particular. And I don’t really miss them, because I was never really comfortable with the drama.
Good for you. And I may have to check out Lost . . .
My married friends complain about their men; my unmarried friends complain that they don’t have a man. It’s the human condition to see the grass as greener over there, so I try my best to resist that and be mindful of the here and now. When I’m down, it helps to make a list of good things in my life, both physical and mental. And while ranting occasionally to a trusted friend feels good at the moment, actually facing the issue of what’s inspiring the rant is more useful. Finally, focusing on others instead of ourselves is, I think, the best thing we can do. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again — you’re very wise, Lucy.
It made me sad to learn about Grandmother C. Though it seems she created her own unhappiness, it’s hard for me to imagine being so disliked by my family and friends that only a few show up at my funeral to remember my life. And really, what possessed that awful priest to compare her final years to piss? That’s just heartbreaking.
I’ve now heard from all of my ladies. Crse, thanks for your support and love, always. Canada, I know what you mean. Making the decision to eliminate toxic relationships, especially longstanding ones that have had some truly good moments, is difficult, but probably better in the end. Wren, thank you for your praise. At first I thought I might be overreacting to the priest/urine thing, but everyone I tell can’t believe he actually said that.
Good job! …You did it!
I admire your work,can you teach me how to write such a nice article
i cant understand……